Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!