@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

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@Aspersioncast

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?

@thenatewolf

*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@better_off_dad

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

@LuvPug

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.