Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
You Might Also Like
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*
I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.
Devil: I made potato chips.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?