Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

Cause of death: Zumba

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD