Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

No, YOUR illiterate.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

The honesty is refreshing

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*