Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

finally found a reasonable question

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax