[aliens arrive on earth]

people: w- what do you want

aliens: peace

people: oh thank god, cause we thought-

aliens: *pull out laser cannon* and quiet

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I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.


My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?


The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?


3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.



3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!


If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.


Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!


Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it


My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.


Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you