@TheHyyyype

[aliens arrive on earth]

people: w- what do you want

aliens: peace

people: oh thank god, cause we thought-

aliens: *pull out laser cannon* and quiet

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@TheMichaelRock

I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@TravLeBlanc

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@Lisabug74

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you