Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

Hello Twits.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself