Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Pee pressure > peer pressure

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene