Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

I’m never leaving this app.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.