[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.