[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that