[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes