Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It kinda feels like this rn

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation