Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Why I divorced her.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks