Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread