there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*aliens land on Thanksgiving*
*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”
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6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ??????? ??? ? [sobbing]
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.