The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*limbos away from your hug*
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy