Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.