[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.