Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.