[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
barbara was highly relatable