[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Alexa; make it look like an accident
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”