[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
You Might Also Like
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*