Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Current mood: Potato

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.