[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Poetry is my passion
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
This is my favorite one of these!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
a McRib killed my tapeworm
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.