[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
the last thing a carrot sees
