Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Don’t make me out nice you.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?