Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any