aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards