aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.