Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.