Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.