Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”