Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
#SaturdayBears
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
