Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Cucumbers Anonymous
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
bad
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worchester