Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
my favorite gender
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough