Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry