@DoYouEvenLif

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

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@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@Marcmywords2

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

@GrantTanaka

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

@desolateson

I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

@Howiesbookclub

“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.