Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them