Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.