Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.