[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.