aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.