Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.