Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.