Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Pringles
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Morning all.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Not all heroes wear capes.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.