Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail