Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I identify as an antique shop.