Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.