Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.