Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
tinder is all about the long game
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Mhm.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
the duality of man
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
