Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.