Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*