Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I beg you to euthanise me
Ape together strong
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??