Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
You Might Also Like
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.