Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly