Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Dumple

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after