All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
😭😭😭
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.