Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

#ParentingFacts

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados