All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Those are good neighbors.
*launders Kohls cash*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
more water
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
describing stardew valley
