All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Stop sending me this shit.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.