All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.