All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
#Caturday
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.