All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
You Might Also Like
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
consequences, the bane of my existence
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.