Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

🐠

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.