All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
crazy
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”