All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…