All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…