All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph