All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
A game married people play.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood